I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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