i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
