We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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