i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My butt remains clenched, sir.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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