The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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