u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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