tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
