i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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