I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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