So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So much rum. So many feels.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
