If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I AM VODKA MAN
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
