I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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