I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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