i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
