I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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