My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
