He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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