She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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