The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
