new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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