Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
