I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
