.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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