gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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