Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
