you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
