There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
