I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
