so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
