My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
