He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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