it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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