when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
