The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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