I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
