I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
