So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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