Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
