im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
