your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He shit in the fireplace
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