Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
