May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
