Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
