I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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