I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
