I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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