I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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