fuck your aforementioned shoe
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
