So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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