i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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