My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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