mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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