Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Randomize
