well you can't waste a boner
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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