y did u give ur computer a hand job?
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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