3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
