I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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