Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
