mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
