Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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