We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
